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12 years not a slave – January 25th, 2023


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How NOT to Help Others

If we really want to help other people, we must do it God’s way.

If we care about others, we of course want to help them when and where we can. But not everything we do may be helpful. We may in fact cause more harm than good by not doing that which is really in the other person’s best interests. Here I speak more to this, coming from a biblical point of view, of course.

Consider this: You will take a stand for biblical truth and morality, and you will get plenty of opposition, resistance and angry reactions. This is to be expected of course from non-Christians. But the really worrying thing is how many folks calling themselves Christian will have the same negative reaction. And so often this happens because the believer has a close friend or relative involved in some harmful or sinful behaviour.

Making Excuses

So you will often hear something like this: ‘I have an X (sister, brother, spouse, cousin, niece, relative, friend, etc), who is involved in Y (homosexuality, transgenderism, fornication, adultery, etc), so I will not judge them or call out their sin. I care about them and therefore I cannot speak against what they are involved in. I would rather defend them than go with what Scripture might say on this issue.’

Sadly, this is so very common among some Christians. Sure, we can all understand wanting to support a loved one or relative and be there for them. But when you end up siding against God and His Word to do so, you really are not helping these people — you are actually hurting and damaging them.

I am sure many of you have encountered folks like this as well. Because they have a loved one who is involved in some sin or some activity or lifestyle that the Bible clearly condemns, they will stand with them and reject what the Bible says about it. In their mistaken sense of ‘loving’ the person, they prefer to tell God that he is wrong.

They have made a choice. They can either keep agreeing with what God has said on these matters, or they can reject that and instead seek to validate and justify the activities and behaviours of their friend or relative. Of course, we should seek to obey God and seek to help others, but that always involves telling the person truth — biblical truth.

When the Bible says without equivocation that no adulterer or homosexual will enter the kingdom of God (see for example 1 Corinthians 6:9-11), then we either agree or disagree. Here we have a choice to make: we either affirm what God has said about these matters, or we run with a fake love and tell God to butt out. And that is exactly what too many believers do.

True Compassion

As I say, I see this happening all the time. In one situation, someone took me to task for writing on a recent case on transgenderism that had made the news. An Anglican priest had fully embraced and defended this and was causing all sorts of mischief in the churches. But this person said he had a relative who was trans, and so I needed to stop being judgemental and show some compassion. What follows is a version of how I sought to respond to this person:

Sadly you have completely missed the point of this article, and really about everything I have ever written on this and related subjects. And I have written hundreds of articles on this — even books — to carefully make my case. So let me try to once again explain things in a brief and simple fashion.

~ I of course knew nothing about your situation in this regard. I did not write this piece with you in mind. I had no awareness that you might have a relative involved in this. This article is about a vicar in the UK and the damage he is doing, as he twists the Word of God in diabolical ways to justify his lifestyle.

Did you actually read the whole article, or did you instead just run with an emotive knee-jerk reaction? Moreover, did you think the priest was right in what he was saying and doing? If not, why not? It would be interesting to hear your views on the topic that I actually wrote about.

~ I always have a real problem when someone comes along and says that we cannot comment on something unless we have experienced or encountered it directly. That of course is the standard line used by folks to justify all sorts of things.

How many times have pro-lifers heard it said, for example, that we cannot speak out against abortion unless we are female and unless we have had abortions ourselves? This is obviously just plain foolish. I can and should denounce things like rape, even though I have never experienced it personally. Some things are wrong, full stop, regardless if they have been personally experienced or not.

~ It goes without saying that as believers we are to have compassion on others and pray for them. And I did speak of the need for prayer in my article. Prayer and compassion are for everyone, whether the person is a Sunday School teacher, a homosexual, a trans person, a drug addict, or a bank robber. But obviously, we are to love them in the biblical sense of the word.

And that always means willing the highest good for the other person. Loving a homosexual means wanting to see them set free from a risky and dead-end lifestyle. Thus the most loving (and truthful) thing you can tell a homosexual is, ‘You don’t have to be gay.’

It is the same with those caught up in the trans agenda. Loving a trans person is not catering to their delusions and not being happy with them lopping off parts of their body and causing irreversible physical damage to themselves. Instead, loving them means wanting them to get the mental, psychological and spiritual help they really need.

~ As I have often said, if we have a person who is anorexic and identifies as being overweight, and is close to dying because she is so underweight, is it really compassionate and loving to go along with this harmful delusion and encourage the person in that?

How can anyone claiming to be a Christian just pretend everything is fine in this situation? How can we say God is wrong when He clearly said He made us male or female? It is always tragic when concern for someone we know causes us to jettison Scripture. Doing that will not help the person we are concerned about — it will harm them instead.

~ In this article, I was NOT talking about some person that you might know, but an Anglican priest who is misleading many. Approving of those who are twisting Scripture and misleading people into a lost eternity is hardly a loving or compassionate thing to do.

If a loved one comes out in any sinful lifestyle, we still love them of course, but we love them enough to want them to be set free, because Jesus is in the transformation business. That is what the Gospel is all about: turning peoples’ lives around and freeing them from the clutches of the devil.

All this is just basic Christian teaching. How anyone claiming to be a biblical Christian can not understand all this is a mystery to me. It really is. We have simply ditched Scripture and basic Christian ethics when we think the loving thing to do is affirm and encourage a person who is living in a sinful, ungodly lifestyle.

Afterword

It should be clear that I am not picking on just one individual here. As I say, I come across folks like this all the time. Often they are strong Bible-believing Christians, but because some situation like this arises in their personal circles, they may start to waver or weaken in their beliefs.

Again, it is understandable that a person wants to support and stay close to a friend or loved one. But there is a basic biblical reality that we must always keep in mind: when a conflict arises between a personal experience (our own, or that of another) and the clear teachings of Scripture, then the latter should always trump the former.

But way too often, we allow experiences we have had — or others have had — to determine how we run with the Bible. This is not only doing things backwards, but it is sinful and idolatrous. God and His truth must always come first. Otherwise, we demonstrate how little we care about Him and His Word.

And as I keep saying, if we really want to help and love other people, we will do it God’s way, and not against God’s way. When we run with a humanistic, sentimental or worldly ‘love’, it is NOT going to help the other person. It will simply harm them further, as well as send them to a lost eternity. There is certainly nothing loving about that.

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Originally published at CultureWatch. Photo by Andrea Piacquadio.

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Talking About Sex

The Book of Proverbs holds perennial wisdom for parents seeking to teach their children about God’s marvellous design for human sexuality, as well as warn them against temptations to misuse the gift of sex.

Sex is a topic that the Bible doesn’t shy away from. Certainly, you won’t find anything that resembles a sex-education class in the Bible, but you will find plenty of frank discussion about sex.

To give you an idea of the sorts of conversations that parents should be having with their children, I’d like to take you to Proverbs. In the book of Proverbs, you will discover a father who has lots of conversations with his children about sex. I encourage you to go and read Proverbs to see all of the different aspects of this topic that are covered. In this article, I’ll just make four brief observations.

1. More than Just Sex

When we typically think of talking to our kids about sex, we immediately and exclusively jump to the actual act of sexual intercourse. That is, possibly, the most awkward aspect of talking to your kids about sex and needs to be discussed at some point.

But when you turn to Proverbs, you will see that Solomon was not just thinking about having “The Talk” with his children. His conversations about sex were actually mostly not about the act itself.

You will find conversations about the beauty of marriage, exhortations to enjoy sex inside of a marriage, warnings about illicit sex and the consequences that follow, what to look for in a wife and all manner of other angles on this topic.

I think we should have a broader definition of talking about sex than just thinking about having “The Talk”.

Solomon does this often by talking about the various relationships and temptations that are around us. In Solomon’s day, prostitution and adultery were clearly the two main temptations. In our day, we have to deal with things like posters, photos and ads that have men and women in underwear or bikinis or ultra-revealing outfits; people walking down the street or people on the beach in immodest clothes; pornography; hook-up culture; unmarried couples; plus Solomon’s two temptations of adultery and prostitution still stand today as well.

Like Solomon did, we need to include these sorts of topics in our conversations with our kids.

Do you have wide-ranging discussions about marriage, divorce, porn, adultery, hook-up culture, and sexualised imagery that is all around us? You might not have had these conversations yet, but are they on the radar?

2. Warnings before the time of temptation

The second thing I want to note is that Solomon warns his children before the time of temptation comes.

Solomon doesn’t wait until his son comes home one night from the brothel before talking to him about it. He doesn’t wait until his son comes to him with questions. Solomon is pre-emptive and aware of the temptations of his culture.

Just like Solomon doesn’t wait until his children have wealth before talking to them about money, so he teaches about sex, marriage and sexual immorality before his children are tempted.

In Proverbs 5:7-8, speaking of the immoral woman, Solomon says:

“Therefore hear me now, my children, and do not depart from the words of my mouth. Remove your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house.”

This is clearly a warning before the incident. And the reason Solomon gives the warning before temptation is so that his children do not fall into the snare of sexual immorality.

Now, for us, this makes things even more difficult and awkward. Because in our day and age, children are exposed to sexual ideas earlier and earlier.

A 2016 Australian Government report states that nearly half of children between the ages of 9-16 experience regular exposure to sexual images. Another Australian Government report from 2020 shows that the average age of first exposure to pornography is between 8 and 10 years old.

Another report states that teens and young adults aged 13-24 believe not recycling is worse than viewing pornography.

The reality is that we live in a sex-saturated world.

Your kids are going to be taught about sex by someone.

Believe it or not, non-Christian pre-teens and teens are not shy about talking about these things with their friends. So, we should expect that our kids will be having conversations about sex at school or with their friends. As an example, Elijah at a Christian school in year 4 had the kids around him talking about sex.

As Christian parents who have a God-given duty to teach and train these eternal souls, we need to have a plan for how we are going to talk about sex.

3. Solomon warns his son about the consequences

Thirdly, Solomon is clear about the consequence of illicit sexual relationships.

Proverbs 7:22-23 says:

“Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks. Till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the snare, he did not know it would cost his life.”

And so, Solomon presses home the disastrous end of adultery. It winds up, not with pleasure and joy, but with sorrow, loss and death.

In chapter 5, Solomon warns about how pursuing illicit sex will ruin you. You will lose your wealth (verse 10), your body will waste away (verse 11) and you will come to the verge of total ruin (verse 14).

We, like Solomon, should be unashamed of telling our kids what the consequences are of the things that they may well have never done.

We can talk about how sex outside of marriage often results in children and the messy families that result from that. We can talk about how people go and have abortions to avoid the consequence of their sexual pursuits. We can talk about the addictive nature of pornography and how it will steal your youthful years (as Solomon says in ch 5:9).

These are all awkward and difficult conversations to get into, but they are vital and they are biblical. Plan to speak about these things, pray for opportunities and try to have ongoing conversations with your children about this broad area of life.

4. He encourages his son to delight sexually in his own wife

The last thing I want to note from Proverbs is that Solomon is not entirely negative about sex. He presents an extremely positive view of sex inside of marriage and encourages his children to delight in sex in that context.

The classic passage is Proverbs 5:18-19:

“Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.”

Who has the most positive vision for sex? The world, or Christians?

Who is presenting the most positive vision to our kids?

The world is telling them to go and have a ball — to let every whim and desire drive them on to greater heights of sexual pleasure. As we’ve discussed, we need to teach them that selling yourself to your sexual desires doesn’t lead to pleasure, it leads to pain and despair.

But we also need to teach them the glories of Godly sex. We should teach them about that with words — certainly. The marriage relationship should be spoken of as enjoyable, pleasurable, something to be desired.

But we should also teach them by example. They should see that their mum and dad are “enraptured with love”. Of course, I’m not saying that they should see you making love, but do they see you delight in each other? Do you kiss in front of them? Do you cuddle in front of them? If your example was all they had to go on, would they think that the sex is better in a godly marriage?

Resources

There are a lot of books these days to help you discuss sex, marriage and intimacy with your kids. Here are a few I recommend.

I recommend God Made All of Me which helps you to talk to your kids about nakedness and how they should view their bodies.

There is a series of 4 books called God’s Design for Sex that helps explain some of the physical aspects of sex. They look a little old, but are very good in their approach.

If you want a good framework for how to speak about sexual intercourse with your kids, I found the booklet How to Talk to Your Kid About Sex very helpful.

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Photo by Elina Fairytale.

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