Inside Biden’s Billion Dollar, Drunken Gala Dinner

Thursday night’s liberal lollapalooza at Tyler Perry Studios’ “White House” was a farrago of drunkenness, paranoia, chicanery, pomposity, and alcohol-fueled rage toward Donald Trump and Elon Musk.

As reported yesterday, U.S. military assets apprehended several Deep Staters who attended the illegitimate administration’s dinner honoring French President Emmanuel Macron, two of whom, ostensibly seeking leniency, recounted details of the shindig to military investigators. Sources have yet to name the arrestees—in fact, only Nancy Pelosi has been named thus far—but said one is a Hollywood producer who has garnered many cinema awards over a 20-year-long career, and the other a sniveling politician who wept like a baby when Special Forces arrested him at gunpoint.

If their words are truthful, Pelosi was tipsy when she arrived at the feast and sauntered to an open bar replete with scintillating bottles of pricey liquor–Clase Azul tequila, 50-year-old Appleton Estate Rum, Macallan Sherry Oak whiskey, and, to top it off, Chateau Margaux grand vin. Chilled decanters of 1959 Dom Perignon sat in ice buckets at every dinner table. As guests donned in tuxedos or ballroom gowns funneled inside the imitation White House, Pelosi lingered at the bar, heartily sampling various liquors while the bartender stared at her in dazed bewilderment.

“If what we heard is true, Nancy drinks expensive booze like Homer Simpson guzzles Duff beer,” a source in Gen. David H. Berger’s office told Real Raw News.

Pelosi wasn’t the only ravenous drinker on the premises; drunken merriment abounded. Before dinner, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus of Seinfeld fame, Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, and Brian Deese, director of the National Economic Council, raised a toast to Klaus Schwab—who was absent—and the World Economic Forum.

“Klaus is wealthy, and therefore wise,” Deese said, eliciting a round of applause.

“Wait. Wealth and wisdom don’t go hand in hand,” Mayorkas reportedly countered. “Just look at Musk and Trump.”

Invoking Trump’s name purportedly made Austin bristle. “Some names aren’t meant to be spoken here tonight. Whether from Florida or his ivory tower in Manhattan, he still disrupts my command,” Austin said.

Meanwhile, Pelosi continued indulging in drink and, therefore, losing her inhibitions. At one point in the evening, she made a comment so cringeworthy that those within earshot feigned deafness or simply distanced themselves. Her speech slurred, she said she had “the best and biggest boobs in the House, better even than,” she added with distaste, “AOCs or MTGs.”

Elsewhere, Biden fawned over French President Emmanuel Macron, praising his pandemic leadership and willingness to integrate “undocumented Muslims” into French society. He called Macron a “true progressive” and encouraged him to one day seek the role of Secretary General of the United Nations.

“If I’m still President of the United States and You’re running the U.N., imagine what we’d accomplish together. Our policies would rule—shape the world,” Biden told him.

Although Biden spoke lucidly early in the evening, his dementia came back with a bang when actress Jennifer Garner asked if he intended to give Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky enough money to finally drive Russian forces off Ukrainian soil. Biden mistook Garner for a different actress, Lindsay Lohan, evidenced by the fact that he referenced her role in the movie Mean Girls, a 2004 teen comedy film in which the protagonist, a disheveled outsider played by Lohan, tries to become a member of the popular, cliquish girls in school.

“You had some…I mean…really pretty and the others in Mean Girls. The…what was it called…the Parent Trap too. You blossomed young, like Ashley,” Biden told Garner.

“That wasn’t me,” Garner reportedly muttered, and walked off.

Later in the evening a splenetic, irascible Biden was overheard saying that “I need my candy,” after which his personal physician, Dr. Kevin O’Conner, escorted him from the banquet hall to a private room. Biden reappeared 20 minutes afterward, rejuvenated and refreshed, and loquaciously touted his “accomplishments” to rapturous applause.

“Candy is Biden’s codeword for Adrenochrome,” our source said. “He was going downhill, so got his shot or infusion, then came back to serenade his sympathetic audience. Well, mostly sympathetic. We’re still trying to figure out why Kevin McCarthy was there.”


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