Brian Stelter Executed

Former CNN host and convicted pedophile Brian Stelter was hanged to death at Guantanamo Bay on Friday, just hours before the facility locked down in preparation for Hurricane Ian.

Sources on the island told Real Raw News that guards roused Stelter from bed at 5:00 a.m. and told him to prepare for his big day. Stelter gorged himself on scrambled eggs, hash browns, sausage patties, and whole wheat toast—his final meal—with one source saying the breakfast could’ve fed five inmates.

No sooner had he finished eating than he began sobbing uncontrollably and rambling incoherently about how he, a world-famous broadcaster with millions of fans, was a victim of malicious prosecution whose only crime was endearing himself to young boys in whom he saw enormous potential. The guards who escorted him to the gallows listened to him bemoan “Trump’s military.’’ Stelter wailed on, saying he had only touched children the way he himself had been touched as a child.

They soon arrived at the gallows where Vice Admiral Darse E. Crandall and a pair of high-ranking officers stood waiting. Upon exiting the Hummer, Stelter glanced at Admiral Crandall and said, “If you, too, were born a minor attracted person, it might be your head going in the noose. I can’t help who I am.”

“You’ll have time for final words in a moment here,” Admiral Crandall barked.

“Please don’t murder me,” Stelter croaked as an armed Marine steered him to the shallow flight of metal stairs that ascended to the platform on which many Deep Staters had uttered their final words. The hangman, a soldier who wore no name tag and whose uniform bore no insignia, fitted and tightened the braided rope on Stelter’s fleshy neck. Stelter told him, “Don’t do this to me, you’re following illegal orders.” The soldier silently took a step back and stood at parade rest.

“Detainee Stelter, you have been found guilty by a military tribunal and sentenced to hang for crimes committed against children. Normally, we ask the condemned if they want Last Rites, but we have no Rabi or Jewish Chaplains here now. If you have last words, now’s the time,” Admiral Crandall said, looking up at Stelter with a steely gaze.

“Don’t kill me. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know,” Stelter pleaded. “I have a family.”

“Maybe with you gone, they won’t wake up screaming in the middle of the night, and unfortunately for you, there’s really nothing you can tell us,” Admiral Crandall said, and motioned with an index finger to the hangman.

“No, plea—” Stelter began.

But it was too late. The hangman had pushed the button that triggered the swinging door beneath Stelter’s feet. A final cry, the wailing sound of death, escaped Stelter’s lips an instant before his neck broke.

A Navy physician pronounced him dead.

Real Raw News Received this report Saturday.

Since then, GITMO has suffered an almost total loss of power, except for backup generators. One source said the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers will furnish additional generators if power is not promptly restored.

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